please stop trying to dress like celebrities

Dear Celebrities,

Please stop dressing like idiots. Though completely loaded and full of assistants and stylists and hair and makeup people, you continue to disappoint us with your trashiness. Take for instance, Victoria Beckham, seen here in this zebra debacle. Her Andy Warhol hair is practically the same color as the white stripes on the dress, and tanorexic skin screams OOMPA OOMPA DOOPA DEE DOO. I especially love the pink cleavage border...maybe they should've used some of the extra pink fabric around the edge of the skirt to add, oh i don't know, six inches or so? YOU'RE AN OLD MOM! GET OVER YOURSELF! YOU'RE NOT 16! YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAKING THESE MISTAKES!








Ah yes, Sienna Miller, who for some reason, has sworn off pants.
Hey Sienna, you're young and hip, nobody can deny that, but that's no reason to show us your hips. PUT SOME FRIGGIN PANTS ON! Perhaps I'm being too hard on you...maybe you have an overactive bladder that causes you to need to use the bathroom every few minutes or so....it's a convenience thing right? Maybe that's why you're so thin? You don't retain any water? Put some pants on already.

Oh look it's Grandma...I mean Mary Kate Olsen. Mary Kate, you're in your 20s not your 90s. Your hair looks like a used mop and those lips, ugh! I'm sure you love to suck on things, bet you're like a big ol'vaccuum, but the sour pouter look is dreadful. And what the HELL is with that jacket. What are you like a superhero

or something with spiky arms to fight off your enemies? Take off the sunglasses and look at yourself in the mirror. Put on something that fits, something young and cute like you used to be.

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi...you're collection is trash, you don't have the body to pull off that God awful jersey shore clubbin look, your hair is trash. Buy a dumpster, and put everything that you are, know and love in it, because guess what....it's trash.

And last but not least....

Dear any celebrity at a swanky awards show/event:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP TRYING TO BE AN ATTENTION WHORE AND RISK LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT! IF IT WORKS ON THE RUNWAY, CHANCES ARE, IT WON'T WORK ON YOU...YOU WANNA KNOW WHY???? BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALL 6'1 AND 95LBS! Runway does not, I repeat does not mean it's red carpet ready. Don't you have families and people who love you? You'd think they'd say gee Gemma Ward,

gee Eva Mendes, you really look like imbiciles in those outfits. Maybe change into something that doesn't look like it belongs on a homeless person (a la Gemma) or Golden Girl Rue Mclanahan (a la Eva). Stop botoxing and getting plastic surgery right before major events, (yes I specifically mean you Rose McGowan)

You wanna start a trend???? Good! Start the trend that you'll only wear things that are flattering and look good on you and don't make you look like a Vegas Showgirl or a snake or a poodle or an overaccessorized Halloween Costume. You, your managers, your stylists, your publicists, you're all told old for this. Once again, it's not rocket science, just wear what looks good. You wear the outfit, don't let the outfit wear you!